Recent conversation with my Graphic Designer

Susan: Your books are doing well.

Me: Thank you.

Susan: They could be doing better.  You need a marketing plan for 2016. What kind of budget do you have?

Me: Not much. I’m a telemarketer.

Susan: Hmm.

Me: I was secretly hoping for a Publicist for Christmas.

Susan: And?

Me: I got Ugg slippers instead.

Susan: Right.

Me: But they’re very nice. Comfy.

Susan: Moving on. You need Amazon reviews. When you have comments on Amazon, they help to promote you.

Me: That’s so nice of them.

Susan: It helps them too. This is a business, remember.

Me: Sure. So, I’ll just wait for reviews. Simple.

Susan: Not simple. People don’t tend to leave comments on Amazon.

Me: Why not?

Susan: A myriad of reasons. They’re busy. They don’t think about it. They feel it’s difficult to write one because they’re not writers and feel intimidated.

Me: All good reasons. I used to never leave comments on Amazon either.

Susan: That doesn’t help.

Me: So what should I do?

Susan: Ask your readers to leave a comment on Amazon.

Me: No. That’s a bit forward, don’t you think?

Susan: I thought you were a salesperson.

Me: I didn’t say I was good. If I were, I’d hire a publicist and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Besides, I get email and Facebook messages from readers who say they really enjoyed my books.

Susan: That’s nice. But it won’t help.

Me: I disagree. They make me so happy. I save every one.

Susan: How do you like telemarketing?

Me: I hate it.

Susan: Get Amazon reviews.

Silence.

Susan: There are two million published books. You have to stand out.

Me: Oh no. Why are there so many?

Susan: It’s a good thing. As a reader, don’t you like choices?

Me: No. That’s why I shop at Costco.

Susan: Sigh. We’re getting nowhere.

Me: What if I offer chocolate to anyone who leaves a comment on Amazon?

Susan: How much chocolate do you have?

Me: Are you kidding?

Susan: Yes. You can’t give people things. It’s like bribing. We don’t buy reviews. You have to earn them.

Me: Not even with chocolate?

Susan: Can we get off the chocolate?

Me: Okay. How about we just keep going and I’ll write more and maybe people will start to catch on?

Susan: It appears you may have to do that.

Me: I have another idea. I’ll buy a Powerball ticket, win, and invest in chocolate so I’ll have a neverending supply to thank my readers.

Me: Hello?

Susan: I’ll talk to you next month. Happy New Year, Kim.

Me: Happy New Year. Guess what? I mailed you a surprise. A sweet one.